Slurps & Burps

Spatters of rain were falling gently against the huge glass windows; I was enjoying the perfect cuppa in my right and the perfect book in my left; I was also stealing glances at this zac efronish guy; he was sitting at an angle of 45 degrees from me, most comfortable angle for stealing peaks;)

The Sunday evening of a long weekend couldn’t have been better.

All the Bandraites sitting in the coffee corner of the crossword store were immersed in their books, and from the tranquility on their faces one could tell that they were not worried about the long week ahead (which will have FIVE working days!) They were relishing the last few hours of solitude. Although all the tables were occupied, the ambience was peaceful.

The stillness broke when a gentleman in an extremely ungentle voice demanded a sandwich from his table. All eyelids went up and eyebrows twisted. He was sitting at an angle of 180 degree on the table right next to mine. A 40 something definitely north Indian chap; he was flipping through one of the magazines from the pile lying on his table. I was not intrigued enough to observe him longer, so I went back to Zeus.

Machak Machak Machak

I lifted my head with a jerk.

Louder Machak Machak…. Sluurrrrrrrrp

This can’t be happening; I tilted my neck towards the right and rested my ear on my palm.

But in vain

glug glug glug got added to the variations of sounds echoing in my ears!

I wouldn’t mind this, if I was at the udipi joint down the road clumsily eating from the unevenly torn banana leaf. But definitely not on my perfect final innings of the perfect weekend

Getting increasingly annoyed, I couldn’t resist giving him the worst hate look ever! but the gentleman was unperturbed.

Obviously it was a situation where I couldn’t do much but go far away from the origin of the sounds of music. I was 88% convinced about leaving when the orchestra played its most powerful tune!

BURRRPPP!

Which I heard so clearly as if it were mine!

OK! I had to make a quick decision- am I ready to take more of this? maybe this was the final concluding piece, coz obviously it signifies that there is scope for no more.

So, maybe I should compose myself again and act like nothing had happened. I went back to my book; couldn’t read what I was staring at, as I was still somewhat disturbed.

OH NOOO! I stormed out!

What was it that had happened or could have happened which made me run out of my weekend paradise?

This is a musical-suspense-tragic story, so you could make your guesses.

I didn’t want my idealistic weekend to be blown away by some fart!

Devil in Disguise - 2999 9999

The culprit of all the extra kilos I have put on.
It’s so difficult to convince one’s rational mind to expend effort when there is an easier way!

Now there is absolutely no reason for me to move out of the house once my ass has settled in and it settles in as soon as I enter home.
I don even save the no. of the movie halls I need to call atleast once a week, its just so much simpler to call the DiD (anyway, it will be among the most recent calls)

DiD alias JustDial - Making people lazier
From looking for plumbers to ordering food you don even have to exert yourself to think!

I am reminded of the times of a home telephone directory. A large brown leather cover enclosing a huge bunch of tattered sheets, few of them stitched together typically the ‘e’, ‘q’ and ‘w, x, y, z’ but most of them are on their own. They still manage to stay in chronological order coz of the utmost care all users take of it. You open it and you will see scribbles in various colours, mostly blue and smudged blue. The handwriting of everyone in the house can be seen here; the contact details of all people we know are penned here, making it the single resource for all.
There is a fixed place for it, next to the huge telephone set.
At times the sanctified book goes missing! and then there is chaos. The search for the telephone book is rampageous, the whole house goes helter-skelter, with mom’s incessant ‘how difficult is it to put things back at their place!’ in the background. She will say the same thing in direct speech, indirect speech, in hindi, English, in an angry tone, helpless tone, getting dramatic and then she might add one line about each of our individual carelessness, we get scared that old stories of irresponsibility are gonna be narrated again now, The fear is causing panic, the search is getting more and more aggressive and finally the maid finds it! And there is peace again, everyone gets back to what they were doing.. huh!
(But there is one hunt which can beat this one, the hunt for the TV remote!)

I wonder where the phone book is now, Mom still takes care of it.
We changed our loyalties and moved to the mobile phone book and now are preys to the indispensable DiD.
Kudos to the creator!

Fuss over Sach Ka Samana

Mein polygraph machine pe haath rakh kar kehti hoon, jo kahungi sach kahungi aur sach ke siwa kuchh nahi kahungi

Haven’t we, India always claimed to be living by truthfulness?
Satyamev jayate is the motto of India

satyameva jayate [Sanskrit]
Truth Alone Triumphs

motto /[mot-oh]
a maxim adopted as an expression of the guiding principle of a person, organization, city, etc.

I wonder if is there is any such thing as an exception to the motto of a nation!
However, if the Government of India agrees with the MPs of BJP and SP, it will be best a list of such exceptions comes into place, so that we the citizens of the country do not do indulge in the “vulgar” act of speaking the truth all the time.

http://entertainment.oneindia.in/television/top-stories/news/2009/bjpsp-mps-ban-sachkasaamna-230709.html

The whole fuss about ‘broadcasting vulgar values which are a threat to Indian values and morality’ is beyond my comprehension. Contestants on the show are not imaginary characters created to propagate vulgar values!

Smita Mathai is not a work of fiction.
A middle-aged, middle-incomed sindhi woman sits pretty on the hot seat hiding behind her smile clandestine truths of her past and forbidden desires of the present. An enterprising lady who provides dabbas and does education research is also holding the strings to keep her family together. Her life gets unveiled with every question and she courageously accepts issues in her married life, relationship with her mom, jealousies’ and her inner longings.
As her life unfolds, viewers begin to notice the resemblance in their lives.

How can we accuse the questions of being outrageous or obscene?
They are the truths of our lives.

We have been so used to burying the truths of our lives that now if there are a brave few who have gathered the courage to unveil; the least we could do is respect them.

Have you ever raised a relevant issue in Rajya Sabha?
Its time those MPs to do Sach Ka Samana!

Naam mein kya rakha hai G?

The first brand I ever used must have been Huggies; the brand recall seems poor though.

Parle G is most definitely the first brand that occupied a space in my mind and a lot of space in my daily diet.


Parle G dipped in chai
The biscuit must stay immersed in the tea cup for 4 secs and then you carefully direct it towards your mouth or come closer if its losing balance..
If it stays any longer than 4 secs, your biscuit might fall off and drown in the same chai that had nurtured it into being perfectly appetizing;
And anything less than 4 secs is just too much effort for the teeth.

Oh that taste is coming back, like it comes every time I am near the Parle factory and the air is filled with the smell of freshly baked biscuits!

It’s truly amazing how this 75 yrs old iconic brand which is undoubtedly the largest selling in the biscuits category and reaches as many people in India as only Lifebuoy can, was named after the place it was located in.

Brands now also do carry names of places but that’s coz they wanna ride on the equity of that place say, Bourneville.

75 yrs back if you opened a book shop in Bandra you called it Bandra book centre, you opened a tobacco company in India, you called it Indian tobacco company, he opened a biscuit factory in Vile Parle(Mumbai) and called it Parle biscuits. The Glucose biscuits were called – Parle G.

Biscuits were for the rich, they were ‘foreign’ products, this man thought of making a biscuit that is affordable and after 75 yrs it still stands as not only the most affordable biscuit but probably the most affordable snack for Indians.
At Rs. 5/ pack its only real competition is vada pav in Bombay or maybe muri in Calcutta and if you consider health implications as well – Parle G wins hands down.

Coming back to the name, I wonder if there are kids named Nokia or Toyota or Apple anywhere in the world.

My chacha must have been really inspired to name my cousin Parle :)

PS: Our family nomenclature is quite amusing actually; the girls in my family are called Maggi, Frooti, Toffee and Coffee

Skeleton in the closet

A polka-dotted satin belt peeps out of a seemingly calm and strong closet. It stands tall and sturdy. Until you open it.

You open it and chances are you will be hit by a gigantic wave of linen, cotton, synthetic, wool, silk, chiffon and more. Well, this is an exaggeration and chances of this are slim (it does happen with my roommate’s cupboard though) But atleast a couple of clothes will definitely topple down.

Look closely and there will be sections for skirts, trousers, sleeved tops, sleeveless tops, dresses, Goa wear, night pajamas, formal wear, party wear, gym wear, Indian wear, socks& caps etc

One large section of the closet might confuse you it is titled miscellaneous and is inclusive of–

The wishful dress – That one absolutely stunning dress, you saw a mannequin wearing and you HAD to pick up, though it required a fatter wallet and a much thinner you.
(God bless the inventor of credit cards)

Purani jeans – You have seen it evolve through many shades of blue, its grey now and you don’t even remember what colour it was when you bought it in high school. You are never gonna wear it but it has always been there and it will continue to be.

Gifted by a distant aunt- A very old-fashioned kurta (actually something that was never in fashion) which is absolutely ill-fitted but you wore it once to please the distant aunt and feel too guilty to give it to the thankless maid.

The inherited skirt – You were totally in awe of this skirt till it belonged to your sister/ cousin/ mother and you wanted to try it on atleast once. But after that red letter day in your life, when THE skirt got a place in your cupboard – you don’t like it that much… or maybe it doesn’t suit you that much

That bold top – You knew somewhere that you won’t be able to carry it off. But at that moment of confidence you told yourself, ‘Ofcourse, I can!’

The nostalgic dress – 5 years back someone special had complimented you for it. On bad days, it brings back sweet memories. You can’t remember his face, but you remember the compliment.

The optimistic trousers – Your waist is 3 inches broader now.
Hope is the thing with feathers-- That perches in the soul-- And sings the tune without the words-- And never stops--at all

There are many more there, you don even remember the story behind some of them. They are just there.

Its simple, the 80-20 rule applies
80% of times you wear 20% of the clothes you possess
80% of times you shop for clothes you will wear 20 % of times


This blog is dedicated to my roommate’s cupboard which has elaborate sub-sections in the miscellaneous section.
Through her cupboard, we discovered a lot of secrets of her past ;)

Virar Fast

A 1hr 25 mins ride from Churchgate to Virar exemplifies the true character of Mumbai.

They probably started their day at 5:00 am and at 7:30 pm they are stuffed in a train where, strands of someone else’s hair are poking their nose; everyone’s praying the shiny pointy shoes of the girl who got on at Charni road don’t land on their feet; the shelves are overflowing with glossy purses, jute bags, laptop cases, leather hand-bags and plastic packets.

Slowly the fights for the fourth seat have settled, a few lucky women standing have ‘claimed’ a seat, smiles and waves have been exchanged between familiar faces.
Watch-out the Superwomen

The Superwomen are the women piggy-backing a 10 month-old selling anything in the range of safety pins - mangal sutras - mobile covers - sarees - fruits - fish to the other Superwomen in the ladies compartment.

The later are returning home after an 8 hour shift in their banks;

One takes out the carrots she bought outside the station and starts chopping them into small pieces, exactly how her husband likes it in the gajar matar ki sabzi.

The other has to finish knitting the 3rd pullover before her grandson arrives, she started since her daughter was pregnant.

A copy of Mumbai mirror comes out of a bag; a hand full of peanuts goes towards every lady who is in reach.

And obviously, it’s a coupe full of women, so there are conversations.

Sushma says how she added sugar free to the aate ka halwa as it retains the taste and is way healthy. ‘Sab faaltu ki baatein hai’ debates Renu whose brother in law is a doctor and told her how all these ‘sugar free’ products are a huge scam.
They don’t argue, they discuss for the common good.

The conversations than move to Priyanka Chopra’s new affair and there are giggles and high-fives when the lady on the window seat starts singing Desi Girl.. there is laughter and applause. After everyone has had their dose of entertainment Gayatri declares ‘In filmstars ka toh aisa hi hai’.

Moves to how Damini’s son (Damini who used to be their companion on the train but has shifted office) has topped Maharashta board in SSC and will now join a very good college.

Talking about children who are making their parent’s proud, Ketki updates on how happy Shubha’s daughter is after marriage. Though it’s not a Maharashtrian family, she has not had trouble adjusting with her in-laws. She was always a sincere girl and has got a family she deserved.

They chat about Congress, about Pawar, they abuse the terrorism in the country, they pray the rains are not so bad this year, they decide on the next day’s breakfast.

Till the train doesn’t halt at their stop.

They are hard-working. They are happy. They make people happy. They are aware. They are the bread winners. They are the bread makers. They are Superwomen.

Juhu beach at 6 am

The assortment of people found at Juhu beach early morning is truly amazing!
Have a look: {Brand associations for quick visualization}

Slaves of their dogs – {Marley & Me} It’s the doggies’ time to socialize and the slaves are dragging behind, some have befriended the other dog slaves. There are also a few enthusiasts who like to play with their dogs and de-stress in anticipation of the stressful day ahead.

Old Uncle-Aunty – {HDFC Retirement plans} Retirement ke baad bhi sar utha ke jiyo. These are the coolest lot, they don’t run, they don’t talk.. Just smile at the memories of the past and at a few passers by.

Old Uncles only – {Some other Retirement plan} Budhaape mein jab na time ki kami ho na paise ki, awaaragardi to hogi hi. They are always found in gangs, laughing away tension free.. in no hurry.

One timers’ – {Tanisha*} This is a mixed lot but you can identify them from a distance, most of them have bought a new pair of tracks and shoes. They are feeling proud of themselves. Quite a few of them are rotund and have been prescribed morning walks by their docs or their boyfriends. Alas, the enthusiasm is short-lived
Two or three timers are also in the same category.

Hot girls – {Apple} listening to their ipod, trying to keep pace with the music in their ears, they are usually found running close to the sea. All of them are very sincere towards their bodies and it shows. Most of them are quite aloof; some can’t help checking out the diversity of people around ( ;) )

Hot guys – {Nike} Rare. In the couple of months that I have been I could spot only two!!
A quick glance at the Hot girls: Hot guys ratio here suggests how unfair life is for girls in Mumbai.

Really really hot guys - {Marlboro} None. No chance.
A friend told me they are found at gyms.

Morning lovers – {Spraymintt mouth refreshner} Be kiss ready! Yes, at 6:30 am. I think this is their escape from the cops who are usually parading at all such ‘lover’s points’ in the evening.

Masakali – {Delhi 6} lots of them. Picturesque.

Colourful Kiddos – {Dharma Productions} Straight out of a Karan Johar film, they come dressed in rainbow colours. Making a special appearance during summer holidays only.

Mallu Nariyalpaniwala – {Chiranjeevi} Flashing his Colgate extra whitening smile he sells malaiwala /bina malaiwala at Rs. 15.

Sip your nariyalpani and head home.
By 7:30 Juhu beach gets as crowded as the Ville Parle Station, only here you could start melting.

* Tanisha is Kajol’s sister who acted, naah appeared in a film called Neel ‘n Nikki.